In Sickness and For Worse

In sickness and for worse. That's where it feels like we are right now.

The good news is that I do not have chronic fatigue syndrome. Outlandish to even consider, you say? After two weeks of being continually wrecked and racked with TIRED, I was starting to consider the possibility. But it was only a quiet, distant whisper. I never said it out loud, because as we all know, verbalizing something makes it too real. Verbalizing something requires an active breath. Like the lips of God blowing into Adam's lungs; thoughts exhaled as words are given life and power.


The bad news is that I do have mono. Yeah, the middle school kissing disease. I have it. Exhaustion hit me one day. Two days later I was out with a horrible fever and I assumed I had some type of flu or virus. After a week of still feeling bad and waking up with a sore throat I was hopeful that I had strep. Yes, there is absurdity in hoping for strep throat. But there is also sanity. Strep is caused by bacteria and goes away with a few pops of antibiotics. Strep has an end.

Strep test. Negative. I mentioned my theory above and received a discourse on the dangers of taking antibiotics too often and how it isn't good for your body. Then the doctor told me I was just tired. Yes, doctor. I know I'm tired. I did not pay you to tell me that. There is something wrong with my body. I'm here for you to figure out what is wrong with me so I can start feeling better. (These were my thoughts.) At this point he launched into the benefits of 8 hrs uninterrupted sleep. And it was at about this point later that I sat staring at the arc of his cheekbones sobbing. Something is wrong, my body is telling me so. This man is telling me to do the one thing I physically can't do as a mom of a non-sleeping baby.
I dried up and left.

The right side and the left side of your throat should not touch the little dangly thingy in your mouth. But mine did so come Monday morning I found myself at my regular physician's office. After just a few seconds of looking at me and a few minutes of talking she called it. Mono. I did a follow up lab test with my blood to confirm.

Thank you, my regular doctor for: easily finding the correct diagnosis, saying that mono comes with "profound fatigue" (not the "you're just tired" business), taking away some of the guilt I've been feeling the past week about having a body too wrecked to produce enough breast milk for Josiah, telling me it is safe to take pain meds for my headaches, and that it is okay to not clean the house right now.

We're 2 weeks in. Another projected 4-6 weeks to go. I'm thankful to know this is going to be a while. I'm impatient so it's good to wake up knowing I'm going to be a distant shadow of my regular self instead of waking up frustrated. It's good for Nate to have these expectations too. In his words, I'm a "cranky,whiny, and needy" sick person. Yeah, I know.

In sickness and for worse. In mono and for cranky, whiny, needy.